Love Never Fails: The Danger of Jealousy

We have all had those times in our life where we have felt that inner tinge of, “How did they get that?” or “She thinks she is cute,” or “They weren’t all that great,” or “Why did they get to do that?” The temptation to Jealousy is strong. 1 Corinthians 13:4 states “love…is not jealous.” Sometimes, with our spouse, we are tempted to become jealous (feeling resentment-displeasure, ill will) of them. This Jealousy can be a source of ongoing conflict and lead to a breakdown in the relationship.

Jealousy can lead to overcontrol as we believe that our spouse is doing or wants to do something we disapprove of. In relationships, we can become over-possessive and think we need excessive control over our spouse. True love grants our spouse the freedom to become and evolve into the person God wants them to be. If we reflect on the previous blog (Love is Patient), we see that this freedom can be tempered with each other having a WE mindset instead of a ME mindset.

Having a WE mindset includes having boundaries. Having boundaries in marriage is very healthy. Think of boundaries as more like guardrails to keep you from significant damage rather than a fence to keep you enclosed. You should agree with your spouse about what is reasonable and accountable behavior. For example, if you are late getting home from work, you will call and tell your spouse why and when to expect you. However, jealousy makes boundaries that are suffocating instead of freeing.

Where does jealousy come from? Jealousy can come from anxiety, poor self-esteem, fear of loss, insecurity, unrealistic expectations and suspicions. If you have any of these types of thoughts in your relationship, ask yourself where they are coming from. Why am I trying to place this restriction or control on my spouse? What am I really afraid of? Be honest with yourself. Instead of depriving your spouse of an activity, talk with your spouse about the boundaries of the activity. For example, if your spouse wants to go back to school for more education and you are tempted to say “no” because you are fearful that they will not prioritize the relationship, instead of saying “no,” what about trying to brainstorm ways that your spouse could intentionally connect with you so that you don't feel left out.

Jealousy can also show up in how you handle things when your spouse communicates with others, especially those of the opposite sex. If your spouse can't have a brief conversation with someone of the opposite sex without you becoming highly anxious/angry and then “interrogating” them about what they are saying, you should question yourself about what you are afraid of. Talk with your spouse about your concerns and healthy boundaries in these instances.

If you treat your spouse in a controlling way, they will resent you and shut down emotionally. Controlling behavior sometimes unintentionally happens when we make too many “suggestions” to our spouse, such as “Why don't you do this or that … etc..” This overabundance of “suggestions” can seem suffocating to spouses who feel they should be allowed to make their own decisions and choices.

How can you lessen jealousy in a relationship? Avoid having a judgmental attitude. Grant freedom. Develop healthy boundaries. Ask your spouse if they feel suffocated and be open to their response without being defensive.

Life Application

Are you suffocating your spouse? How much freedom do they have? Talk with your spouse about areas that you see in yourself where you have not given them the freedom to be who God is calling them to be. Discuss with them about situations where you have been over-controlling. Talk about your real fears and what kind of healthy assurance you need from your spouse. Pray and ask God to help you to have more confidence in the person he has made you to be and not to compare yourself unhealthily to others. Go one step further; intentionally wholeheartedly compliment others you are tempted to be jealous of. Giving compliments to others will destroy the enemies' suggestions.

Love is not jealous.

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